The chapter that i'll never end.

It’s definitely not the same anymore. Living with the most beautiful soul for 22 years and then having to let them burn down to nothing; it’s something not most of us can do with grace. But I did. I let you go daddy, I let you go because you wanted to.

I remember those sleepy nights when you held me close and said, “It’s not long before you’ll have to live without me”. I laughed it off. Just like any other kid would, I rubbished that thought you expressed and went back to hugging you. Little did I know, it was true. Sooner or later you had to leave.

But I need to ask you, something I always wanted to; was it that easy for you to let go off me? You presumed that your baby girl would do fine without you? Yes, yes, I know you are sitting up there with your glass of whiskey and grinning down at me. But, do you really think I’m better off without you?

I know I haven’t grieved you enough, as much a daughter is suppose to. But I tried, I really did, I wanted to wail my heart out, shove my face into a pillow and scream. Scream at you for leaving me to fend for myself.

Don’t you dare smile at my plight, because nothing has been the same anymore! Better yet, I’m married now and you weren’t even around to see me smile and walk down the aisle, with the man who reminds me of you. Lucky that he is around!

I don’t really know who is worth the talking. May be a couple of friends, maybe my husband, but no one is you. Nobody understands my silence like you did. Nobody knows my smile like you did.

I promise I’ll be the person you wanted me to be. I promise I will. I could at least try.

But, I’m still trying to figure out some weird notions. I’m still trying to find that perfect hug, that perfect spot, wherein I can bury myself and cry. And maybe then I’ll be fine. Then I’d be able to smile without the cringe in my eyes.

Ok. Now I have to go. I promise I’ll write to you soon. Till then, miss me J

Love.

Cherria.

Ohh! The Miss or My Mr. I can't decide!

You must have come across a note on Facebook that says, “Some friends go long periods without being in touch and still never question their friendship. They pick up phones like they just spoke yesterday, regardless of long it’s been or how far they live….Blah blah blah and some more blah.” But I do relate to this blah. Thanks to my Miss Y.

Malad to Ghatkopar is the distance we have covered forever to stay in touch. She just gets me. She somehow knows what my next move is going to be, with just a smile. Spooky shit I tell you.

A bond that began with a fight and ignorance somehow managed to find its way to unsaid affection and connectivity in the parallel world. She loves me a lot, something she never confessed and probably didn’t need to. Because, in spite of the numerous people who have walked in and out on her, she knew that I would haunt her for the rest of her living life (may be later too, remember ‘spooky shit’?).

We’ve never had a fight as such (except for one I guess) which thanks to Miss. C, didn’t manage to last long. The only reason she has managed to create a place for herself in my circumference of people, is because she is just herself! She never needed to feign her ideologies, her behaviour or her personality to be with me. May be she knew I loved her the way she was.

Someone I can run to with all my mess, someone who will feed me to calm me down, someone who will agree to that ‘random drink’ as per my wishes(So does C right?), someone who has renamed her home as the ‘retirement home’ only for me, someone who will fight the world for me (literally I mean), someone who knows my problems and believes that I don’t need help to deal with them, someone who can discuss her most personal details with me, someone who has held my hand very unconsciously, someone who relates with my thoughts; that someone is my Miss. Y. This someone is mine for life.

P.S.: But mind you, I hate her too; for similar reasons that I hate Miss. C for (go back to read that post). They hate me too, for very similar reasons I have tagged them in.

The bottom line still being, we are all messed in our own superb ways and we love being that way, knowing that each of us is standing with a shovel to clean the mess!

Ohh! The Miss or my Mrs., I can’t decide!

She hates you, but loves you more. You hate her but love her more. That’s exactly what defines Miss. C and me.

A pattern is drawn. The universe has decided. We are meant to be. And, as much as we would love to defy it, in vain, in bloody vain! Two individuals who are stuck together, by choice or may be even without one! The perfect humans call it ‘Friendship’; we’d just prefer to stick to ‘Us’.

It wasn’t liking in an instant. I couldn’t for the love of God, stand the sight of this woman. I guess that’s what makes it special. We have a story to tell my kids (that’s coz she isn’t planning to have her own). Battling thoughts and judgments; we met, we spoke, we had our first smoke, and there on, we sub-consciously decided, to never look back, (but we did, again and again).

A person who knows your next move, a person who makes every living effort to just ‘be there’, a person who has the right to knock you out, a person who lives to see you smile, a person who wishes for your happily-ever-after, a person, who could run down in boxer shorts to give you a patient listening, a person who is jealous of not being the only one, a person who challenges the world for your deeds, a person who texts to check whether you’ve made it home safe (just after a fight). That’s my Miss. C. And I am indebted to that person. Because, not many people live selflessly for you!

I have that one person, she exists in serenity (not exactly serenity may be) and you know you’re going to have a cup of tea on a porch reminiscing those 20 years gone by, with equal jest and liveliness, just as you do now.

But, amidst all the love, I still hate her, for everything that I don’t like about her. For not gathering her thoughts, for not trying to lay her life in place; I’ll hate her all my life, till she does nott smile whole-heartedly, till she isn’t happy, till she isn’t at peace. Because that’s friends are for right? (So say the humans)

My Miss. C, one chapter that hasn’t met its end in my book. And now, I’ll get down to penning Miss. Y, just because my book is incomplete without her story too!